He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
