ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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