Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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