I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
