I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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