I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
