i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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