Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
