dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He better not be in your backpack
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
