The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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