I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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