Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
