I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
