Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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