Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
