Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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