im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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