On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
