I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize