She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
