he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
