Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
