How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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