This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
