somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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