too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
