john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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