Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
