i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
