I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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