yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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