I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize