Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
