I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
