I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
