i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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