Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize