I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
