I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
