I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
