Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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