so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
