Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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