so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
