i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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