I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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