Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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