I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
