Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
