i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wish there were birth control emojis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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