Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
