totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
