im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
