Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
