someone threw a dead crab at me
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I need water and some morals
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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