I didn't shave. On purpose
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
