You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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