he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
