I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
