Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
where am i from again
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
