I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
