i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
