I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
