my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize