The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
