I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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