i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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