walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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