there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This baby is an asshole
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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