Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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