Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
