so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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