Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
