someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
