I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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